The No-Life Customer

Now to set this straight, I am not saying this customer has no life. I just couldn’t come up with an alternative name. 

I understand you don’t have a job (yet) or a car and you’re cooped up at home but what is so special about a store that A-L-W-A-Y-S has the same merchandise. We do not change up our assortment every single day at every single hour.

Coming in once a day is weird but multiple times a day? What is there to see? You have kids, then go outside and play with them, be creative, join classes, something. I really don't understand, someone has to explain this to me. Maybe you are working on a project I don’t know of, or maybe you are setting up a World Record of how many times a day you can walk in the store, or maybe you are fighting your inner shopaholic. I have no idea. Whatever it is, every associate thinks you have nothing else to do, except get on our nerves with your issues and the same annoying questions as the days before.

And to tell you how bad it can sometimes get, you can time these customers. You know exactly at what time they are coming in: When the store opens, before lunch, after the kids come home from school and before the store closes.

The 5-Minutes-Before-The Store-Closes Customer

After a long and exhausting day at work we are just happy to leave this prison we nicely call job and head home to enjoy a good meal and spend time with our families. But sometimes fate comes in between and messes with our plans.

Stores nowadays are open for long periods of time (excluding 24/7 stores for obvious reasons). I am pretty sure that ten hours is a long enough time to get your shopping done. We all understand that you might be working as well and need to get something really quick. Believe me you are not the problem. You know exactly what you want, go for it. Walk in store - find product - buy product - leave. But walking in five minutes before we close just because you are bored and have nothing else to do, that is simply unacceptable.

Believe me you might see us smiling and trying to help you find whatever you need but inside we are cursing the living out of you! How many times have I had customers looking for a specific product before we close. You've gotta be kidding me?! You want me to find that ring with the yellow and blue diamond on it that was shaped like a carrot. Uhmm no, that is not going to happen. And then you want to tell me you did not know your friend’s birthday would pop up out of nowhere. Oh and now you decide to look at every single product closely and examine it for the billionth time and ask my opinion on it.

And after staying open after our official closing times you decide to check in some other day. Wow, well I hope you have a pleasant evening as well while I stand here, feet and back hurting, mad and now having to count the money and organize everything for the next day. 

Oh it's all fine, I really didn't want to go home anyways and I did not want to kick up my feet and call it a day and watch my favorite movie on TV.

The Getting-It-Somewhere-Else-Cheaper Customer

By all means I understand that everyone wants to save money from time to time, especially on a much desired or hard-to-get product, even I! I will search for hours on the internet looking and comparing prices and might even go with a knock-off product if it has the same features but threatening an associate, really?! That is certainly not the way to go.

I mean really, what do you want us to do? Our regulations are clear: we do price adjustments but not on online shops, so stop saying you can get it cheaper at some online store. Go ahead, we are not stopping you. You have the right to choose where you buy your things. Go and pay those extra taxes and shipping fees plus have fun waiting for your product as well, especially if the Government shuts down again. I especially love those customers who say they can find everything cheaper at this specific store that is only available in the United States of Everything.

Yeah, alright. I am pretty sure you never realized that taxes will be added after your transaction. So if you think you can get your desired product somewhere else cheaper and supposedly faster than go ahead, no one is stopping you but please stop trying to make us, as associates, feel bad, like we put prices on the products. We are just mere workers doing our job with no power to control those things.*

 *This one applies to stories I have heard from overseas where there are "limited" shopping possibilities. In actuality you just have to literally buy outside the box.

The Keep-Asking Customer

Easily to be spotted if you pay attention to a sales debate between the customer and associate. This buyer just does not know when to stop.

Customer: Do you have this item on hand?

Associate: No.

Customer: Well do you have it in the warehouse possibly? Can you check if another store has it? 

As associates we are condemned to do all that we can to satisfy the customers needs but at some point, you have to realize that there may be NO ALTERNATIVE! Can you live with that? How many times have I been sent back to warehouse to look for a single item. Exactly, too many to count! A SINGLE item, customers are you aware that our warehouse is not the size of your bedroom but as big as a one family house with hundreds of thousands of items. And not only that, you expect us to find everything in seconds. As I said before hundreds of thousands of items, some things take time to look for! And I am sure you do not know the feeling when you return with nothing in your hands. The disappointment is written on your face like a billboard on the highway. And then there are times we are lucky to find the oh-so-really-needed-item-I-cant-wait-another-day, sometimes you are grateful and praise us to the heavens and then there are times where you will keep looking around and just set it back. So I wasted a good fifteen minutes just so you can set it down and tell your child, “oh we will get it next time”. Ofcourse you will never hear this, what is actually going through our heads. We smile back and tell you E-V-E-R-Y time that it is no problem.

The True Definition of "Customer"

According to Google.com

Customer

ˈkʌstəmə/

Noun

1. a person who buys goods or services from a shop or business.

"Mr Harrison was a regular customer at the Golden Lion"

Synonyms: shopper, consumer, buyer, purchaser

The actual Meaning

Customer

1. a person who has forgotten the ability to fold clothes; pick things up after themselves; has lost their sense of seeing and understanding (see Zombie for further explanation); thinks they are king/queen of the entire universe; speaks gibberish when agitated and bored; sees the associate as babysitter; psychologist and butler free of charge and after all the above mentioned still wants to be treated as if you were forever in their debt.